


it's hard for me to breathe when all i do is feel so heartless

by neoncrayolas



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Firefam Feels, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Overdose, M/M, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:13:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23257483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neoncrayolas/pseuds/neoncrayolas
Summary: Buck sees one of his old Buck 1.0 one-night stands on a call, and it brings back memories he thought he'd buried too deep to ever break the surface again.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Athena Grant, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Howie "Chimney" Han, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 403





	it's hard for me to breathe when all i do is feel so heartless

**Author's Note:**

> Yo, it's been a minute. This idea hit me when those boys in 5 Seconds of Summer released their single "Old Me." Sounded like a pretty good Buck song, since we still don't have any of homeboy's backstory. 
> 
> I'm not happy with how this turned out at all, lol, but tbh I have so many other things I need to be working on - fics and other projects - that I just needed to get it out of my head. I may or may not come back at a future time to rewrite it - I just needed it out lol.

_Shout out to the old me,  
and everything he showed me,  
glad you didn’t listen when the world was trying to slow me;  
no one could control me,  
left my lovers lonely,  
had to fuck it up before I really got to know me. _

“Buck?”

Buck’s head whipped around at the sound of his name, not recognizing the voice. It took him a minute to focus on who it was, a blonde woman, tall with petite features.

“Yes? Can I help you?”

“It’s been a long time! You’re a firefighter now?”

“Um…” Buck scratched the back of his neck.

The woman laughed, a squealy, high-pitched sound that Buck inwardly cringed at. “You don’t remember me, do you?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t,” Buck finally replied. He could see the team getting the truck ready behind her and started to plot how to get over to them ASAP.

The woman stepped closer to him, putting a hand on his arm.

“Maybe there’s a way I can help you…remember,” she said, her voice getting lower, blinking at him from under her lashes.

“Uh, I think I need to be getting back,” Buck said, nodding towards the truck and politely trying to shrug his arm out of her grip.

“It really was a _wonderful_ night,” the woman purred. “You wouldn’t want to relive it?”

Oh.

_Oh._.

Now Buck remembered. Vaguely, but vividly at the same time. He’d met her – and a guy – at a bar downtown one night, had already had too much to drink, and went home with both of them. It was part of his normal Buck 1.0 routine. But before he could slip out in the morning, the guy had caught his attention and slipped his number into Buck’s pocket. And Buck saw him again. And…

Buck shook his head, clearing the past away, but it didn’t go as firmly as it had before. It still blurred the edges of his mind, and he tried to focus on the truck again.

“Look, I need – I better get back.”

The woman looked slightly put out but put her hand on Buck’s arm one more time, leaning up to whisper in his ear. “Call me if you want – I have some ways to make it more… _interesting_ than last time.”

“Buck! Come on, we’re leaving!”

Buck had never been so thankful to hear Hen’s voice call to him. Without so much as saying goodbye to the woman, he bolted towards the truck, leaping into it like something was chasing him.

“You alright there, Buck?” Chim asked.

Buck nodded, holding tightly onto the bar above his head. He felt like he was going to be sick.

“Did you know that woman, Buck?” Eddie asked from beside him. He nudged Buck’s leg, to try to get the younger man to look at him, but Buck didn’t move. Finally, he opened his eyes and saw his team gathered around him, looking at him with nothing less than concern.

“Yeah – I knew her from a while ago. Didn’t recognize her at first.”

“Where’d you know her from?” Hen asked out of nothing but curiosity.

Buck shrugged, the lie rolling off of his tongue easier than he thought it would. “Was one of my old roommates. Never really saw them because of our hours, but she must’ve recognized me. Wanted to ask how I was doing.”

Hen and Chim nodded, accepting it, but Buck could feel Eddie looking at him, and knew the older man didn’t believe him. He turned towards him, shooting him a wane smile.

“I’m good, Eds,” Buck said.

Eddie looked unconvinced but clapped a hand to Buck’s shoulder anyway.

Buck turned to look at the window, at the city racing by, leaning his forehead against the cool glass and trying to quell the cloud rising in him.

_Never a night alone,  
_ _anywhere you want to go,  
_ _woke up in the morning  
_ _wearing someone else’s clothes,  
_ _pictures in my phone  
_ _with people I don’t know,  
_ _woke up in the morning,  
_ _how the hell’d I make it home?_

“Think the truck is clean, Buck.”

Buck heard Chim’s voice behind him, a teasing lilt to it, but Buck didn’t turn around, instead focusing on wiping the same spot over and over. Chimney acted like Buck hadn’t just blatantly ignored him and came to hop up on the side of the truck, legs dangling down.

“What’s going on, Buck?”

“Nothing,” Buck grunted, moving to swipe at a spot he’d missed further away from Chim.

“You’ve been quiet the past couple of days.”

Well. Chim certainly got right to the point.

“Just focusing on my work,” Buck said, trying not to grit his teeth. He _really_ didn’t want to talk about this right now – or ever. He just needed some time to get out of the funk that seeing that woman had put him into, and he’d be right back to being the Buck everyone knew and loved.

Chim furrowed his eyebrows. “You’re always focused on your work, Buck. But something else is different – something’s off.”

“There’s nothing wrong, Chim,” Buck said heavily, turning to drop the rag into the soapy bucket at his feet.

“Is it about seeing your old roommate a few days ago?” Chim asked, leaning against the truck. “Did you guys end on a bad note or something?”  
Buck froze, momentarily forgetting the lie he’d told the team. How Chim was able to hit the nail on the head was beyond him, but the last thing Buck was going to do was talk about it. Not here. Not now. He needed to _forget_ about it.

“Chim, really. That has nothing to do with it,” Buck forced out, picking up the wax. “I appreciate the concern, but really. Everything’s good.”

Chim looked doubtful, Buck could tell that without even looking at the older man. But he kept his back to him, determinedly putting the wax on the truck.

“Buck…if you need someone to talk to, I’m here. You know that, right?” Buck heard from behind him, said hesitantly.

“I know, Chim. Thanks.” Buck turned briefly, throwing the man a small smile, before turning back to his work.

He could feel Chim behind him for a few seconds more, before hearing quiet footsteps walk away.

_And they wondered how long I could keep it up  
_ _And I wondered if I’d ever, if I’d ever get enough  
_ _And I did some shit I never should’ve done_

“Morning Buckaroo,” Hen said as she walked into the locker room. Buck’s back was to her, his head bowed, muscles rippling as he took deep breaths. He turned around, startled when he heard her voice.

“Hey, Hen.”

Hen knew Evan Buckley and knew that that smile on his face was fake. Not wanting to push him, she sat down next to him, handing him a coffee cup and a small bag.

“What’s this?” He asked, his voice hoarse. Her heart ached for her friend, wondering what was going on with him – they were all wondering. He’d been just – different for over a week, not speaking unless spoken to, and even then, only giving one-word answers. He voluntarily chose all the chores that needed to be done alone, and he only ate meals with them after Bobby had given him a stern look the first time he tried to duck out.

“Caramel latte with whipped cream and a plain bagel with veggie cream cheese,” Hen answered lightly. She’d stopped on her way in this morning, making sure to pick up Buck’s favorites.

“Thanks,” he said, his voice small, smaller than she ever wanted to hear his voice again. Hen took a chance and scooted a fraction closer, desperate to just let Buck know she was there.

Something seemed to work, because Buck hesitated for a split second – Hen felt it rolling off of him – before something in him just seemed to give, and he let his head fall heavy onto her shoulder.

“Do things ever get better, Hen?”

The words were so quiet, so minute, that Hen wouldn’t have heard them if she hadn’t been paying such close attention.

The last of her resolve cracking, she slipped an arm around Buck, sighing a little when he relaxed further into her.

“They do, Buckaroo. Sometimes it takes a little while, but they do.”

_Another round, here we go,  
_ _going in, blow for blow  
_ _look into the mirror, take the punches that I throw  
_ _I’m constantly reminded  
_ _of all the compromises  
_ _by the people from my past who have a hard time letting go_

“So, Chim’s been talking my ear off for two weeks about you, little brother,” Maddie said as the two sat at the dinner table. Buck was absently twirling the spaghetti on his plate, not looking his sister directly in the eye.

“Yeah?” He mumbled. “About what?”

Though he knew _about what_. By now the whole team knew something was off with him, and it was taking Buck longer than he would have liked to shake this funk off. Part of him wondered if he ever _would_. Buck had gotten pretty good at avoiding everyone – he organized the storage closets, wiped down the freaking _lockers_. He’d declined several invitations from Eddie to hang out at his place, and one invitation from Bobby to have dinner with him and Athena. The only reason he’d agreed to having dinner with Maddie was because he knew that she would come kicking down his door if he didn’t answer her.

He could feel Maddie’s eyes on him, but he still avoided her gaze.

“Evan,” she said softly, putting down her silverware and reaching across the table to take his hand. He let her, but held his hand stiffly. “What’s going on?”

Buck sighed, letting his fork drop to his plate with a clatter.

“I don’t know Mads, I just…I’ve had a lot on my mind, I guess.”

“Clearly it’s weighing down on you, Evan,” Maddie said.

Buck was quiet for a moment before eventually finally meeting his sister’s gaze.

“Do you – do you remember what I was like after I got arrested?”

Maddie looked thoughtful for a minute before nodding. “You had a hard time, Evan, I remember.”

“You’re too nice,” Buck shook his head. “Do you remember how I _coped_ with it?”

Maddie winced. “Yeah.”

“A couple of weeks ago, we were finishing up a call, and this woman – she came up to me, and it was someone I’d slept with during that time – and – Mads, it just brought up some bad memories. Stuff I don’t like to think about.”

“Buck that’s completely understandable – but just know, you’re not that person anymore. Look at everything you’ve done for yourself. You’re practically unrecognizable from the man you were three years ago – and that’s a _good thing_ , Buck,” Maddie said, her voice still soft. She squeezed Buck’s hand, and Buck averted his gaze again.

He’d been as honest as he was going to be with her. The sudden feeling of wanting to talk this out had disappeared as quickly as it had arrived, and Buck wanted to flee. He wanted to get up from the dinner table and run. But Maddie was still looking at him expectantly.

“Yeah – I know, Mads. Thanks,” Buck said. He smiled wanly and picked his fork back up.

Maddie looked utterly unconvinced but didn’t say another word about it until Buck was leaving for the night. She surprised him by putting her arms around him, leaning up to hug him. Buck was taken aback, but hugged her back, feeling a kind of warmth he hadn’t felt in _weeks_.

“I know you, Evan, and I know there’s more to the story. But I also know that you can’t be pushed into talking about it. But promise me when you’re ready, you’ll talk to someone, even if it’s not me?”

“I will, Mads,” Buck mumbled into his sister’s shoulder.

“I’m serious, Evan. I know how you get – I don’t want to see you spiral again.”

_Too late_ , Buck thought, but he nodded anyway. He was glad he had a sister who understood his limits and how far she could push him – but would still be there for him in her own way.

“I promise, Mads. I will. When I’m ready.”

_All the mistakes I made, I made, I made  
_ _Whatever the price I paid, I paid, I paid  
_ _Shout out to the old me  
_ _and everything he showed me_

“So, Buck, have you heard about that festival that’s coming in a couple of weeks?”

“Hmm?” Buck didn’t turn around from where he was doing the dishes at Athena’s voice.

“There’s this festival coming soon – something like a fall harvest thing, and May and Harry were interested in going. They’ve _also_ been talking about how they’d like to spend some time with you – thought maybe you’d like to take them on your day off.”

“What? Yeah, that sounds like fun,” Buck said distractedly, still concentrating on the dishes in front of him.

Athena exchanged a glance with Bobby, who was sitting across the table from her. The 118 had just finished dinner and had scattered to do various chores before trying to get some shut-eye while they could. Buck had volunteered to do the dishes and had stuck his airpods in as soon as he stood up. He hadn’t even noticed Athena coming up the stairs to snag some leftovers that Bobby promised her.

Bobby had spoken with her about Buck’s behavior recently, and whether or not he should pull the younger man aside to talk with him. Athena had voted against it, saying Buck would talk about it when he was ready. But more and more time passed, and the young man had seemed to retreat further into himself.

But still, she was adamant with her husband that they didn’t pry. She wanted to try something else.

When Buck gave his unconvincing answer, she stood up and went over to him, gently putting a hand on his back. Buck startled, dropping the pan he was washing back into the soapy water, the clunk echoing throughout the kitchen. Bobby stood up and made to come over, but Athena put her hand up at him.

“Buck?” She asked.

Buck dried his hands off and reached up to take his airpods out.

“Have you heard anything I’ve said the past ten minutes?” She asked gently.

Buck chewed on his bottom lip before shaking his head. “Sorry, ‘Thena. Must have zoned out.”

“You’ve been doing that a lot lately, kid,” Bobby said. “Is there something you want to talk about?”

Buck looked from Athena to Bobby, wondering just _how_ transparent he was. Apparently, he wasn’t as good as hiding his feelings as he thought he might’ve been.

But then again, he knew he always wore his heart on his sleeve. He was an open book. He was an open guy, an affectionate guy.

For once, he wished he wasn’t.

_They all_ care _about you dumbass_ , a voice said in Buck’s head.

But why? Why was he even worth caring about? Seeing that woman had brought up all those old feelings of not being enough – what if he wasn’t? What if –

“Buck? You with us, kid?” Bobby asked.

Buck realized his captain had stepped closer. He took a deep, steadying breath.

“I’m okay,” he said. “I really just must have zoned out. It’s been a long shift – I’ll hit the bunks after I finish the dishes to get some sleep. That’ll help.”

“Buck, honey,” Athena started, but stopped at the look in Buck’s eyes. Almost pleading with her to just drop it.

“Okay,” she whispered, and before she moved away, she leaned up to hug him briefly, so briefly that Buck wondered if he imagined it. But then Bobby came over to clap a steady hand to his shoulder, and Buck knew he hadn’t.

They were all here for him. They’d all shown that.

Buck just didn’t know _why_ – he surely didn’t deserve it.

_Devil at my door  
_ _got me knocking, knocking, knocking on the other side  
_ _Ashes on the floor,  
_ _but I’m walking, walking, walking out of here alive_

Buck couldn’t do it today. He really couldn’t. He’d tried, tried _so damn hard_ to ignore this, to try and push this darkness away, but instead it was swallowing him whole and he knew it.

Part of him didn’t want to do a damn thing about it.

So he shot off a quick text to Bobby, telling him his leg was bothering him and he needed to take the day off. He got an immediate response, asking if everything was okay and if he needed anyone to check up on him.

Buck ignored it, tossing his phone to the floor and burying his head under his pillow.

He must’ve fallen back asleep, because at some point his front door opening woke up him up. He heard it close quietly, clicking shut, and then heard his name being called softly.

By the absolute last person he wanted to see right now.

Buck half-heartedly hoped that if he didn’t say anything, Eddie would just leave, thinking no one was home, but Buck knew better than that. He heard quiet footfalls coming up the stairs, and then felt the bed shift as someone sat down on the other end.

Buck sighed heavily and rolled over, peering up at Eddie.

“I’m not in the mood, Eds,” he said blearily, turning back around.

“I just –” Eddie paused, and Buck felt the bed shift again as Eddie laid down behind him. “You’ve been different, B. You’ve been – quieter. You weren’t even this quiet after the lawsuit. Something’s going on, and I’m here if you want to talk about it.”

“I _don’t_ want to talk about it,” Buck snapped, still facing the wall. “What’s going on is – it’s a part of my life I’ve never told you about for a reason.”

“What part?” Eddie asked. “I know you pretty well by now Buck. Is it…does it have to do with that woman that you ran into on that call a while back? Because I swear, that’s when you started acting weird. Was she – was she…an old flame or something?”

“Or something,” Buck muttered. He supposed he should be more embarrassed that Eddie had been paying such close attention to his behavior, but they’d grown so close in such a short amount of time that he couldn’t be bothered by it.

“Okay,” Eddie drew out slowly. “So…she was a one-night stand gone wrong? We’ve all had those.”

“Well, I had a lot of those,” Buck said. Why was Eddie pushing this so hard? Couldn’t he just leave him alone to wallow and let the covers swallow him up whole?

“So, you used to be…what? A womanizer? You slept around too much? B, I’m pretty sure most guys have that phase. It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Eddie ventured hesitantly, almost if he knew he was playing with fire.

Sure enough, Buck shot up, whipping around to glare _daggers_ at Eddie.

“Is _that_ what you think I won’t tell you?” He snapped. “That I’ve fucked more women – and men – than the whole damn team put together? Then probably the whole fucking LAFD?”

Eddie’s mouth dropped open, and he quickly closed it again.

“No, Eddie, it’s not,” Buck said harshly. “Just drop it.”

“What is it then, Buck?” Eddie pleaded quietly.

He reached out to take the younger man’s hand, like he’d done before when Buck got too worked up, but Buck kept his hands firmly tucked under him.

“Just leave,” Buck said. “Please.”

It was all wrong. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. Buck had changed. He’d changed, he’d killed and buried his old self a long time ago. It wasn’t supposed to come back to haunt him. It wasn’t supposed to rise up from the deep grave that Buck had buried it in, at the most inopportune time. Not when things had finally felt so right.

It was quiet for a long time, before Eddie spoke again. “I’m not going anywhere, B. I’ll be here when you decide you want to talk about it, because you don’t deserve to be alone right now. You shouldn’t have been going through whatever this is alone this whole time. So no, I’m not leaving. I’ll be here.”

Buck shoved his fist into his mouth, stifling a sob, and squeezed his eyes shut to stop the stinging of tears.

If only Eddie knew.

If only.

~

“It wasn’t just the sex.”

Eddie startled awake, having half fallen asleep, still by Buck’s side in bed. Buck still faced away from him, and his voice was quiet.

“It was…” he trailed off, taking a deep breath. “It was the never feeling good enough. At anything I did. My parents…they weren’t meant to be parents. I’m not even sure they were supposed to have me – Maddie’s ten years older than me, y’know? They tried with her, but eventually just gave up. And then I came along. And she took care of me. Fed me dinner when they forgot. She helped me with my homework when they wouldn’t, because they didn’t care whether I failed or not. She’s the one who would come down the school when I got into fights on the playground, and when I was failing a class. And I loved her for it. I love her so much. But…”

“You wanted your parents to notice something you did,” Eddie finished quietly.

“I never got it through my head that they wouldn’t,” Buck said quietly. “Maddie tried to tell me, but I wouldn’t listen. I thought – I mean, parents are supposed to love their kids, and I wanted them to. So much. But – they never noticed. Not even when I got arrested for stealing a car. And I think that’s the point I realized they never would, so I stopped trying. But my self-worth was just…completely nothing. I’d spent years trying to get the notice of people who couldn’t care less whether I was alive or not. Maddie had married Doug, and I was essentially alone. Sleeping around was my way of not being alone, even if it was only for a night.”

“B, that’s completely understandable, it’s –”

Buck shook his head sadly, interrupting Eddie, finally turning to look at him. The older man was dismayed to see tears gathering in his eyes.

This time when he reached for Buck’s hand, he let him take it.

“It wasn’t just that, Eds,” Buck whispered. “I didn’t want to feel _anything_ , at all. One of my flings was hooked on some stuff, and one night I tried it with him and – it was such a dark time in my life, Eddie. Very dark. I don’t discuss it with anyone because it’s a part of me that doesn’t exist anymore.”

The apartment grew silent around them, as Buck slipped back into his own head and Eddie contemplated what the younger man had shared with him. Buck was fully waiting for Eddie to yank his hand away, to walk out of the apartment and out of his life, to never come back, but Eddie didn’t move.

“What made you change?”

The question was so quiet, Buck almost didn’t hear it.

He rolled over onto his back, staring up at the ceiling, still clutching Eddie’s hand.

“I overdosed.”

Buck felt the grip on his hand tighten, and tears stung the corners of his eyes once again. Nobody knew that about him, not Bobby, not Maddie, no one.

“I overdosed on something, I don’t even know what, because at that point I was taking whatever I could get my hands on. I woke up in the hospital, alone, and something had just…changed. I knew that that was my lowest point, and I didn’t want to be there anymore. So I dug myself out of the rubble. I clawed my way back to something worth fighting for. I applied to be a firefighter. Got through the academy and training. I didn’t stop sleeping around, not until Bobby got real with me about it. I really respect him, and I didn’t want to let him down. And eventually…”

Buck trailed off, not knowing how to say the next part. Didn’t know how to tell Eddie that him and Christopher came into his life at a perfect time, that they were a big part of the reason he had changed for the better, why he strived to be better every single day – for them.

“You do make our lives better, B,” Eddie said quietly, and Buck realized he must’ve said that all out loud after all. “You make them infinitely better.”

Buck looked over at him, eyes shining, to find Eddie already staring at him intensely.

“I can’t speak for Christopher, though I’m sure he would agree with me – Buck, you’ve been there for us through so much. You care about us, you’re there for us without a moment’s hesitation. You make us laugh, you take care of us. We’d be lost without you, B.”

“But what if I haven’t changed?” Buck whispered. “What if…I’ve managed to fool myself the past two years, and all I’m good for is slipping back into my old ways?”

Eddie couldn’t help it. Buck sounded so _small_ , and Eddie couldn’t stand it. Scooting down so he was shoulder to shoulder with Buck, he wrapped his arms around the younger man, pulling him into him. Buck melted, molding himself to fit into Eddie.

“I’m only going to say this once, Buck, and I need you to hear me. You are worth so much more than you know, and everyone around you sees it – they _feel_ it. Me, Bobby, Hen, Athena, Maddie, Chim. Everyone, Buck. You make our days so much brighter, Evan Buckley, and you have absolutely no reason to ever doubt yourself.”

Buck let out a loose sob, wrapping his arms around Eddie, clinging to him. Eddie held him tighter, rubbing a hand up and down his back.

“Sh, it’s okay, _mi amor_ , I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere,” he whispered into Buck’s ear.

“But – but you _should_ , Eddie, I don’t – I don’t _deserve_ you, _any_ of you,” Buck sobbed, holding onto Eddie like he was a life raft in stormy sea, like he was the only thing to keep Buck from floating away for good.

“You deserve the world, and more, Evan Buckley,” Eddie said. “Your past is just that, the past. It’s done with. It’s over. Who you are now, who you are to me, to Christopher, to Maddie, to the team – that’s what matters. And I’ll show you every day for the rest of your life, if that’s what it takes.”

“What did I even do to deserve you?” Buck mumbled into Eddie’s shirt.

Eddie chuckled against Buck’s head. “Whatever it was, you’re stuck with me now, for good, Evan Buckley.”

Buck couldn’t help it – he laughed too, and as he did, he felt some of the darkness lift. He lifted his head to look at Eddie.

“Deal,” he said, leaning up to lean his forehead against Eddie’s.

_Shout out to the old me,_  
_and everything he showed me,  
_ _had to fuck it up before I let you get to know me._

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics that are interspersed are from "Old Me" by 5SOS. Title is from "Vulture, Vulture" by Of Monsters and Men. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!!!!! :)


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